Like every other trend or fad that comes along, I jumped right in to the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy red room of pain. I read all three of the books, and there is no doubt I will be there opening weekend with all the other clams in America to see the film. Since I have read several people offering up their reviews and opinions, I thought I would share the golden nuggets of knowledge that I learned from these books.
5. People are such assholes.
Okay. These books are really poorly written; they really are terrible. The origin of this trilogy is Twilight fan fiction, so obviously, if you are expecting a Dickens' novel then you are going to be disappointed. But, props to this woman for getting her stuff out there and published. I was very entertained, and I know that lots of women have started to let their freak flags fly because of these books...good for them! The people who are "outraged" by the popularity of these books probably would do good with a little BSMD in their life. First of all, this is a genre of literature, people. This lady is not the first person to ever write about people having sex...granted they can't get through a conversation without having sex. All of those books at Brookshire's with Fabio on the front...same thing, geniuses. It just cracks me up that it is a "sin" to read these books and some bookstores and libraries have decided to ban them. Have any of these people really looked at what they are watching on TV...even kids' shows are weird these days. Doesn't Spongebob just walk around in his underwear sometimes? Exhibitionist.
4. I would be awesome at being rich.
This Mr. Grey is terribly wealthy. I would love to have a helicopter. I would probably use it to fly into Shreveport from Bossier to lunch with Pam and Sarah all the time: "Yea, I'll be there in a sec...gotta fire up the bird. I am sure traffic on Youree Drive is a butthole today." Then, since Mr. Grey would have to work all the time making the money, I would fly my friends to exotic places and spend all of his cash flow on really senseless things like Navin Johnson in The Jerk. Who wouldn't want a bathtub shaped like a clam and a disco room full of dancers at all hours of the day? I also wouldn't mind a butler that would go purchase clothes for me; whatshisname in the book even goes and buys her undergarments which is the worst thing to shop for. I would maybe want Tim Curry from Clue to be my butler...Wadsworth. *Note...DO NOT Google clam+bathtub+the jerk...don't do it.
3. I would be a really bad "sub"
There is really not a lot to say here. I understand that everyone enjoys different things, but I generally stay away from violence and pain. I don't have a high tolerance for pain, and I don't like people to be bossy or forceful to me...it makes me hate them, actually. I have a taser, and I have waved that thing at a man driving a landscaping van that harassed me while I was running. It would take one little pop on any part of my body and I would beat the crap out of someone and possibly taze their groin. Rob, my husband, calls it the "Arkansass" in my blood.
2. I give props to the folks that are regular readers of erotica.
Reading (as my mom called them because I read 2 and 3 at the beach with her) "horny toad" books around anyone is the most awkward thing ever. These books are like a musical except the songs are sex scenes...very little plot and conversation between the characters. Honestly, it got really exhausting...at least Stephen King has people dying in different ways in his books...not the same old thing over and and over again.
1. These types of people will not survive the apocalypse, and my husband could kick Grey's ass.
Mr. Grey doesn't know how to cook or cut up vegetables. What in the world? When things go south, what are these two idiots going to do? Since he has a maid, I am sure he isn't storing dryer lint to start fires. You can't take your "room of pain" on the run if you have to abandon your home...that is not happening. You can't just stop in the middle of the apocalypse when the mood strikes you either. All of that romance will come in handy after the zombies are gone...to repopulate the earth, of course. Also, he knows Judo or something...ha. I remember one of my friends told me a story once about a bar fight. These two guys got into it, and they took their scuffle outside. One of the guys starts getting in the crane position, and by the time he is positioned in the "crane" and ready to fight, the other dude had punched him out. You can't use hand to hand combat with zombies, Mr. Grey....you have to know how to use a machete or a sword or a gun with a silencer. Thank goodness my husband will be able to kill our food, take out zombies in a logical way, and drives an F-150...not a sports car.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Monday, October 22, 2012
In a perfect world, I would vote for...
Hello Americans:
Our newspaper included a sample ballot for Election Day 2012, and as I read through the eleven choices for president/vice president of our country, I couldn't help but make a mental list of people that I would like to write in who would, in my opinion, kick ass at running the United States of America. Enjoy...and don't forget to vote!
1. Jack Bauer/Aaron Pierce
If you watched even one episode of 24, then you are very aware that Jack Bauer is capable of saving the country from any situation...no matter how dangerous, or ridiculous. Aaron Pierce is a very loyal member of the secret service, and he was one of my favorite characters throughout the series. If you never saw 24, I suggest you go buy or rent all of the seasons and clear out about 9 or 10 days to enjoy yourself. Here they are, hiding in the bushes:
2. Raylan Givens/Boyd Crowder
Besides Raylan's good looks and Boyd's hair, these two have lots of backwoods swagger and can handle firearms very well. They deal with people who cook and sell meth, so they can handle pretty much anything.
3. Ripley/Sarah Connor
Bad. Ass. Bitches.
4. Dr. Sam Loomis/Mrs. Pamela Voorhees
Though their practices may not be "ethical"...they will get shit done.
5. The Highwaymen
If anyone can tackle tough issues, Waylon, Willie, and the boys can. And if you have ever listened to the song "Highwayman", they have everything covered: highwayman, sailor, dam builder, starship pilot...just sayin'.
6. Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team
"Brick killed a guy."
7. The Three Amigos
"Wherever there is injustice, you will find us..."
8. Dr. Emmett "Doc" Brown/Marty McFly
We could probably use a little time travel to the past to save our future.
9. Drew Brees/Aaron Rodgers
They just seem like really nice guys.
10. John Hall/Daryl Oates
This one is for my Spotify/Soundrop peeps. No duo can do an album cover like Hall and Oates...not no one I tell you.
11. Gary Oldman/Tom Hardy
Okay, okay, they are British. I said in a perfect world...my perfect world.
12. People who don't need a running mate:
Chuck Norris
Bill Murray
13. Christopher Guest/Michael McKean
These two geniuses can improvise themselves out of or in to any situation that would arise in office.
14. Honorable Mention for my sister, Brittany: Russell Edgington /Rev. Steve Newlin
This pair would be the go to choice for those who support Gay American Vampires.
15. The Regulators
"We're in the spirit world asshole, they can't see us." They are The Regulators. Period.
16. Rick Grimes/Daryl Dixon
Since I am an advocate for ZAP (Zombie Apocalypse Preparation), I can't think of two better candidates.
And my last two suggestions: since the country is going down the drain anyway, why not go for pure entertainment?
17. Mike Tyson/Larry Merchant
If you don't know who Larry Merchant is do yourself a favor and google him...he obviously drinks a lot. And, no, I can't tell if those birds are wearing sweaters or if that is just their natural coloring.
18. Nic Cage/Gary Busey
There would never be a dull moment.
Our newspaper included a sample ballot for Election Day 2012, and as I read through the eleven choices for president/vice president of our country, I couldn't help but make a mental list of people that I would like to write in who would, in my opinion, kick ass at running the United States of America. Enjoy...and don't forget to vote!
1. Jack Bauer/Aaron Pierce
If you watched even one episode of 24, then you are very aware that Jack Bauer is capable of saving the country from any situation...no matter how dangerous, or ridiculous. Aaron Pierce is a very loyal member of the secret service, and he was one of my favorite characters throughout the series. If you never saw 24, I suggest you go buy or rent all of the seasons and clear out about 9 or 10 days to enjoy yourself. Here they are, hiding in the bushes:
2. Raylan Givens/Boyd Crowder
Besides Raylan's good looks and Boyd's hair, these two have lots of backwoods swagger and can handle firearms very well. They deal with people who cook and sell meth, so they can handle pretty much anything.
3. Ripley/Sarah Connor
Bad. Ass. Bitches.
4. Dr. Sam Loomis/Mrs. Pamela Voorhees
Though their practices may not be "ethical"...they will get shit done.
5. The Highwaymen
If anyone can tackle tough issues, Waylon, Willie, and the boys can. And if you have ever listened to the song "Highwayman", they have everything covered: highwayman, sailor, dam builder, starship pilot...just sayin'.
6. Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team
"Brick killed a guy."
7. The Three Amigos
"Wherever there is injustice, you will find us..."
8. Dr. Emmett "Doc" Brown/Marty McFly
We could probably use a little time travel to the past to save our future.
9. Drew Brees/Aaron Rodgers
They just seem like really nice guys.
10. John Hall/Daryl Oates
This one is for my Spotify/Soundrop peeps. No duo can do an album cover like Hall and Oates...not no one I tell you.
11. Gary Oldman/Tom Hardy
Okay, okay, they are British. I said in a perfect world...my perfect world.
12. People who don't need a running mate:
Chuck Norris
Bill Murray
13. Christopher Guest/Michael McKean
These two geniuses can improvise themselves out of or in to any situation that would arise in office.
14. Honorable Mention for my sister, Brittany: Russell Edgington /Rev. Steve Newlin
This pair would be the go to choice for those who support Gay American Vampires.
15. The Regulators
"We're in the spirit world asshole, they can't see us." They are The Regulators. Period.
16. Rick Grimes/Daryl Dixon
Since I am an advocate for ZAP (Zombie Apocalypse Preparation), I can't think of two better candidates.
And my last two suggestions: since the country is going down the drain anyway, why not go for pure entertainment?
17. Mike Tyson/Larry Merchant
If you don't know who Larry Merchant is do yourself a favor and google him...he obviously drinks a lot. And, no, I can't tell if those birds are wearing sweaters or if that is just their natural coloring.
18. Nic Cage/Gary Busey
There would never be a dull moment.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Sometimes I Think There Could Still be a Chance: Childhood Crushes
Yesterday, a Facebook friend tagged me in his blog post about his childhood crushes requesting that I write about the same. This is for Michael Cary...here are my childhood crushes:
I think the first time I remember thinking "I would like to marry that man" would be when I first saw Dike Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. He was a chimney sweeper, and I guess that was exotic to me. Later in my life, I would find out that chimney sweeps rarely made it past their early teens because the job was dangerous and most of them died young. Anyway, he could dance and sing and played like 5 characters in the movie, and he knew penguins, so... He also has really pretty blue eyes. He is still a hot old man today.
The first time that I watched Dukes of Hazzard, I thought it was the best thing I had ever seen. I also fell in love with Bo Duke, played by John Schneider. He was so cute with his tight jeans and floppy hair. I remember having all of the toy cars from the show, several iron on t-shirts, and I got a "paddling" one time for hiding after recess in kindergarten to stay outside and play "Dukes of Hazzard." I always wanted to be Daisy so could I drive around in that fine ass car with "those Duke boys." Now I realize that would have done me not one bit of good considering they were cousins. I would also like to add that John Schneider still has it going on...Tom Wopat, not so much.
My musical crushes could not be more different.
First there is CC DeVille from Poison (whose real name is Bruce by the way, wtf). There were very few hair metal guys that I would say I had a crush on, but CC for sure did it for me. I also liked Sebastian Bach and Steven Adler, so the common denominators would be heroin and lovely blond hair. I don't really know what else to say about him.
Next, I had it really bad for Ad Rock of the Beastie Boys (let's face it...I sort of still do). I think that I wanted to like Mike D when I first saw the "Fight For Your Right" video because he seemed shy and sweet, but in the end, I couldn't resist Ad Rock's rhymes that came through his nasal cavity, and of course, his pager. (RIP Mike D)
Of course, I was a NKOTB fan. My favorite was Donnie. I was 100% we would marry one day. I chose this mugshot because this is when he almost burnt down a hotel really proving to world that he was a bad boy...not some boy band member. Notice the rat tail...pure sex.
Next up, Chris Penn from Footloose; he played Willard, the sidekick. He would be the first in many "sidekicks" that I always liked better than the leading man: Cameron rather than Ferris, Garth rather than Wayne, etc. I think that his girlfriend, Rusty, played by Sarah Jessica Parker appealed to me just as much as Willard did. The scene where they go to the bar across the bridge and Rusty is just dancing around...I wanted to be her so bad. She was short with a cute boyfriend and looked like all the other girls then. I looked like a baby giraffe. I always liked Chris Penn in movies even after he ate himself. He was such a good actor; it is so sad that he passed away.
In the sports world, I have had many favorite players, but very few that I would say I had a "crush" on, except John Elway. And this is strictly younger John Elway; the man looks like the long lost Ryan triplet now, and it scares me to think he made me swoon. It was probably the blue eyes. My husband gives me crap about my Elway obsession of the 80s.
I had a big thing for Christian Slater. I think at one point my only favorite movies were movies starring Christian Slater. I also had a poster of him on my wall from Sassy magazine, true story. This is him in Gleaming the Cube...one of my favorite movies at some point.
Now for the big three that still make me weak in the knees:
3. James Spader
James Spader played the biggest dickhead ever in Pretty in Pink, but I just loved him, granted his name was Steff. He had beautiful hair, lots of money, a lovely white suit, and he smoked in the hallways of the school which just, I mean, he smoked in the hallways (and he looked 27, didn't he??). I still love James Spader; his recent work on The Office is wonderful. A friend recently described him now as "bacchanal" and I think that is the perfect description without saying that he has eaten himself and is sort of crazy. SIDENOTE: He is also the original Mr. Grey in Secretary...so take that 50 Shades of James Spader did it all first.
2. Kiefer Sutherland
He was a hot vampire that was still a mean vampire, so he wins, Edward. There are too many reasons to list why I love Kiefer Sutherland, so I will just say this: Jack Bauer.
1. Gary effing Oldman
I first fell in love with Gary Oldman when I saw The Professional. He played a crooked, coke-snorting cop who wanted to kill a little girl...what's not to love. I don't know what it is about Gare-bear, but I just adore his crazy ass. He rarely plays a person that is normal, but I love him. I am the first to admit it is a weird, sick thing with him, especially considering our age difference, but I think if we just met one time....just kidding!
My musical crushes could not be more different.
Next, I had it really bad for Ad Rock of the Beastie Boys (let's face it...I sort of still do). I think that I wanted to like Mike D when I first saw the "Fight For Your Right" video because he seemed shy and sweet, but in the end, I couldn't resist Ad Rock's rhymes that came through his nasal cavity, and of course, his pager. (RIP Mike D)
Of course, I was a NKOTB fan. My favorite was Donnie. I was 100% we would marry one day. I chose this mugshot because this is when he almost burnt down a hotel really proving to world that he was a bad boy...not some boy band member. Notice the rat tail...pure sex.
Now for the big three that still make me weak in the knees:
3. James Spader
James Spader played the biggest dickhead ever in Pretty in Pink, but I just loved him, granted his name was Steff. He had beautiful hair, lots of money, a lovely white suit, and he smoked in the hallways of the school which just, I mean, he smoked in the hallways (and he looked 27, didn't he??). I still love James Spader; his recent work on The Office is wonderful. A friend recently described him now as "bacchanal" and I think that is the perfect description without saying that he has eaten himself and is sort of crazy. SIDENOTE: He is also the original Mr. Grey in Secretary...so take that 50 Shades of James Spader did it all first.
2. Kiefer Sutherland
He was a hot vampire that was still a mean vampire, so he wins, Edward. There are too many reasons to list why I love Kiefer Sutherland, so I will just say this: Jack Bauer.
1. Gary effing Oldman
I first fell in love with Gary Oldman when I saw The Professional. He played a crooked, coke-snorting cop who wanted to kill a little girl...what's not to love. I don't know what it is about Gare-bear, but I just adore his crazy ass. He rarely plays a person that is normal, but I love him. I am the first to admit it is a weird, sick thing with him, especially considering our age difference, but I think if we just met one time....just kidding!
Friday, April 20, 2012
ZPac and the Holograms
ZPac and the Holograms (I am submitting this for an online writing spot...so I thought I would test it out here first)
Like every 33-year-old white female, I was so excited to see
that Tupac resurrected for Coachella (ask anyone in high school in the mid to late
90s…we were all down with Pac). I would
have given anything to be in the desert with all the celebrities and hipsters
when zombie Tupac rose to the stage with Snoop…what a magical moment (not to
mention he is in phenomenal shape). That
night, Twitter was on fire with reports of ZPac (I like the sound of zombie
Tupac, so just work with me), and there were also a few great jokes about which
deceased celebrities should join Snoop and Dre the following weekend; the best
suggestion that I saw was Bea Arthur! The
next day, the video was posted everywhere, and most people were very impressed
at the chill inducing performance whether they were a huge rap fan or not; it
was a really badass music festival moment. So, what is the big fuss about?
Several articles this week have revealed with disgust the
discussion of taking ZPac on tour. I get
that there are ethical questions, like who actually owns a deceased
person? Let’s face it, if Snoop and Dre
take ZPac on tour, they would make lots of money! Not only tour profits, but Hologram Tupac has
his own Twitter page with around 50,000 followers after a few days; he has
become quite the celebrity this week.
ZPac is by far not the first dead person to be brought back to life
through technology, so why is this situation different? One article in particular from Yahoo! Contributor
blog “Stop the Music” revealed that though this has been done numerous times
for commercials, this instance is extremely different. In the past when a celebrity or athlete has
been “resurrected,” archived footage of the individual from the past was
spliced with a live performance or with footage filmed for a commercial,
promotional video, or short film. ZPac,
however, was given all new moves and a new performance routine that were only based
on past performances. The blog explains “If
people want to watch Tupac dance Swan Lake, it is now entirely possible.” This is where the big fuss starts…so we can
now take the image of deceased stars (or Hitler) and make them do whatever we
want? What if someone decides the Golden
Girls would be great if they all acted like the Kardashians? Or that Michael Jackson should sing country
music or opera? Or that Dick Clark
should continue to host New Year’s Eve until, I don’t know, 2057? This would be disturbing and awkward for
everyone. I would love for Chris Farley
to appear at my birthday party, but would that be right? What if he didn’t want
to come as Matt Foley and hated all my friends?
I would be selfish for making him come to my party.
I see the exciting side and the disturbing side of the
discussion of the digital zombie. The
act of “someone” capitalizing from the dead will never go away; for example,
Whitney Houston has sold more records since her death than she has in
years. Correction…Whitney hasn’t profited
at all, but someone has. My main issue
with the method used for the Coachella performance is that the deceased person
has no say in what they are doing or performing, so we have to ask ourselves
how fair that really is to the artist.
What if 2Pac would have hated what ZPac did? Like I said earlier, I loved it, and I am
sure after the drug induced festival attendees stopped freaking out about the
dead man on stage, the set was an amazing performance to see live. I think that at the end of the day, like all
zombies, we only need zombie holograms in very small doses, and really, we
shouldn’t make them prance around doing things that we would like to see. And
honestly, using technology to make impossible situations possible could end up
coming back to haunt us.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
"Out Damned Spot" - Dealing with Effing Psoriasis
This week is Psoriasis SpeakOut Week, so I wanted to post my experience with this condition since I have been posting links about supporting the Psoriasis and Psoriatic Arthritis, Research, Cure, and Care Act.
Since nothing else currently works to cure this condition that has plagued me for fourteen years, I will just bitch about it in a blog post. Fourteen years ago on a lovely fall Bid Day, I felt the need to slide down the mudslide at the KA house (shout out to all fellow Bid Day sliders through the years) about eleven times in the rain and mud. This was the year that the slide was really crappy, like just visqueen and Dawn (the next year it was like a slide at Wild River Country). The next day, I realized that I had scrapes and cuts all over my body. Several weeks later, some of the spots were still there, so Melissa, my mom, hauls me to the dermatologist in Ruston because she KNOWS that I have psoriasis. My mom, my aunt, and my grandmother all have psoriasis. My dad's grandfather, Papaw Frank, had psoriasis, and now, my dad has psoriasis. Therefore, my mom knew what she was talking about.
So, off to the doctor we go, and what I learned there, kids, is that when you drink 45 beers (exaggeration...the octopus funnel didn't arrive until the next year if I remember correctly) and smoke cigarettes in the back of a truck filled with ice and cans of "The Beast" in the rain, your immune system gets pissed off at you. So, in the fall of 1998, I was diagnosed with psoriasis.
I'm going to be honest, I don't remember them really bothering me for the rest of my undergrad years and even the beginning of grad school. I know they were there, and every now and then there would be more than usual...but I really was too busy to be concerned with it. I was not at all living a healthy lifestyle, but I was tanning all of the time which now I know is sort of helpful.
I graduated from grad school and broke off a very long relationship in May of 2003. That summer, though one of the most fun times of my life, was basically a really long party. I had gotten a job for the fall at ULM, but all of my friends were still in school, so even though we had all moved to Twin Oaks and out of our big party house, nothing really changed! One weekend in August, X-Tina and I journeyed to the Big D to visit Lex, and when we got back on Sunday I had a fever. The next day at work (shout out Lewis and Company) I felt like crap and had a really bad sore throat. In a matter of days, most of my body was covered in psoriasis.
Of course, I freaked out and went to El Dog, and Mom got me in to see her derm there. He gave me a steroid shot and told me I had guttate psoriasis which is caused from a high fever or virus. The shot didn't really work (I later found out that the steroid actually made it worse), so I found a doctor in Monroe. We will call her Dr. Pretentious. Since I was covered in red spots, I felt like I needed to get with the program of what the hell was happening with my body. At first, she was very helpful. She put me on antibiotics and gave me several prescriptions for lotions and creams. She also explained to me what psoriasis is all about. Here are the basics:
1. It will most likely never go away
2. It is an autoimmune disorder, which I like to dramatically remind Rob about to get out of doing things of to justify being irrational
3. My body thinks something is wrong so it is overproducing cells.
4. The most successful drugs are ones that are injected and some are used on cancer patients. These biological drugs screw with your DNA, and you shouldn't use them if you ever want to have kids (I am sure everyone has seen the ads for these on TV)
5. Things like alcohol, smoking, stress, bad diet, and lack of exercise make psoriasis worse (oh really, yeah, I'm kind of dating a bartender at Rabb's where I spend most of my time drinking Captain and Coke (not diet), we sort of lay around in our free time eating Sonic and watching football, I'm starting my first real job, I like to dance though, sooooo....)
I can't explain how bad this little guttate psoriasis episode was. My hands were peeling and hurt so bad. Psoriasis is associated with psoriatic arthritis (this is what Phil Mickelson has), so my joints were hurting really bad. So, here I am with red spots all over me, hands peeling and about to start teaching 18 years old...I was so terrified. Dr. Prententious really did help at first. However, one thing that she suggested is that I get sun, either from tanning beds or natural because I told her it really helps. The next visit, I waited two hours because she had started doing cosmetic procedures, and when I said I was still tanning, she freaked out and told me if I needed a tan she did spray tan for only 55 dollars a visit...what the hell Dr. Pretentious. So, I was done with her. The guttate psoriasis cleared up, but they have really never been mild since that happened.
I went to another doctor my mom found in Arkansas, we call him Doogie Howser because he looks so young. He was the first to stress how important it is that I have kids before I take any biological meds or injections. He was great, and I went to him several times. I went to another doctor who asked me "what I expected to get from the visit" if I wasn't interested in injections. I left her office in tears. Now, I have finally found a wonderful doctor. She started me on light therapy, which is like a tanning bed but only the good rays, and my condition has improved so much. We are doing my therapy as a "trial" to show the insurance company that I need a home sun lamp, so I have my fingers crossed that everything works out.
There have been times they have really bothered me. I have them on my elbows, forearms, knees, and the bottom of my legs, mainly the outside of my legs. I have dressed to cover them up; I have not gone to weddings before because I didn't want to wear a dress; I have cried about having them; I have worn jeans or long sleeves when it was hot as balls outside, which is all the time in Louisiana; and I have tried to be really funny when people ask me "oh my god what happened to your leg?" And trust me, there is always a jackass that is going to ask you what is wrong with you. One time, Rob and I came up with all of the things I could tell people; for example, "I was attacked by a wolverine" or "Someone threw acid on my legs." Someone always assumes that it is poison ivy too, so I have to explain that it is not poison ivy and not contagious. One time, one of the pedicure girls questioned me for 10 minutes before she would do a pedicure. I recently read where a woman was turned away from a spa because she has psoriasis; she is suing the shit out of the spa too by the way. There have been times that I have been just mad that I have to deal with them. I also get angry when someone complains about something that seems insignificant to me like a zit or something they don't like about themselves. All I can think is, okay assface, you think you have weird knees, well I have red spots all over my legs that sometimes burn and itch, so I win.
When my psoriasis flare up, I will go on these manic searches on the internet and through books to find home remedies or some miracle cure. I have tried almost everything, and I still don't know exactly what makes them better or worse. I do know that I have to relax. Stress is the worst possible thing, and since I started running in 2010, I can tell a huge difference. Luckily, I have a husband who could care less if I had one big red spot on my face for everyone to see (though he would probably make a joke that it is because I am from Arkansas). I have friends and family that have never made me feel self-conscious about the fact that I have psoriasis. I also think because I am older and sort of don't give a shit what people think about me anymore I don't worry about it as much. One thing that I do know is that when I read articles or search for "cures" online I always find pictures of people who have psoriasis much worse than I do. There are some people who have 90% of their body covered by plaques. This always makes me realize that my situation could be worse, and I would never want to make that person feel uncomfortable because the feeling that someone is making up assumptions about what is going on on your leg by staring at your leg really sucks.
Since nothing else currently works to cure this condition that has plagued me for fourteen years, I will just bitch about it in a blog post. Fourteen years ago on a lovely fall Bid Day, I felt the need to slide down the mudslide at the KA house (shout out to all fellow Bid Day sliders through the years) about eleven times in the rain and mud. This was the year that the slide was really crappy, like just visqueen and Dawn (the next year it was like a slide at Wild River Country). The next day, I realized that I had scrapes and cuts all over my body. Several weeks later, some of the spots were still there, so Melissa, my mom, hauls me to the dermatologist in Ruston because she KNOWS that I have psoriasis. My mom, my aunt, and my grandmother all have psoriasis. My dad's grandfather, Papaw Frank, had psoriasis, and now, my dad has psoriasis. Therefore, my mom knew what she was talking about.
So, off to the doctor we go, and what I learned there, kids, is that when you drink 45 beers (exaggeration...the octopus funnel didn't arrive until the next year if I remember correctly) and smoke cigarettes in the back of a truck filled with ice and cans of "The Beast" in the rain, your immune system gets pissed off at you. So, in the fall of 1998, I was diagnosed with psoriasis.
I'm going to be honest, I don't remember them really bothering me for the rest of my undergrad years and even the beginning of grad school. I know they were there, and every now and then there would be more than usual...but I really was too busy to be concerned with it. I was not at all living a healthy lifestyle, but I was tanning all of the time which now I know is sort of helpful.
I graduated from grad school and broke off a very long relationship in May of 2003. That summer, though one of the most fun times of my life, was basically a really long party. I had gotten a job for the fall at ULM, but all of my friends were still in school, so even though we had all moved to Twin Oaks and out of our big party house, nothing really changed! One weekend in August, X-Tina and I journeyed to the Big D to visit Lex, and when we got back on Sunday I had a fever. The next day at work (shout out Lewis and Company) I felt like crap and had a really bad sore throat. In a matter of days, most of my body was covered in psoriasis.
Of course, I freaked out and went to El Dog, and Mom got me in to see her derm there. He gave me a steroid shot and told me I had guttate psoriasis which is caused from a high fever or virus. The shot didn't really work (I later found out that the steroid actually made it worse), so I found a doctor in Monroe. We will call her Dr. Pretentious. Since I was covered in red spots, I felt like I needed to get with the program of what the hell was happening with my body. At first, she was very helpful. She put me on antibiotics and gave me several prescriptions for lotions and creams. She also explained to me what psoriasis is all about. Here are the basics:
1. It will most likely never go away
2. It is an autoimmune disorder, which I like to dramatically remind Rob about to get out of doing things of to justify being irrational
3. My body thinks something is wrong so it is overproducing cells.
4. The most successful drugs are ones that are injected and some are used on cancer patients. These biological drugs screw with your DNA, and you shouldn't use them if you ever want to have kids (I am sure everyone has seen the ads for these on TV)
5. Things like alcohol, smoking, stress, bad diet, and lack of exercise make psoriasis worse (oh really, yeah, I'm kind of dating a bartender at Rabb's where I spend most of my time drinking Captain and Coke (not diet), we sort of lay around in our free time eating Sonic and watching football, I'm starting my first real job, I like to dance though, sooooo....)
I can't explain how bad this little guttate psoriasis episode was. My hands were peeling and hurt so bad. Psoriasis is associated with psoriatic arthritis (this is what Phil Mickelson has), so my joints were hurting really bad. So, here I am with red spots all over me, hands peeling and about to start teaching 18 years old...I was so terrified. Dr. Prententious really did help at first. However, one thing that she suggested is that I get sun, either from tanning beds or natural because I told her it really helps. The next visit, I waited two hours because she had started doing cosmetic procedures, and when I said I was still tanning, she freaked out and told me if I needed a tan she did spray tan for only 55 dollars a visit...what the hell Dr. Pretentious. So, I was done with her. The guttate psoriasis cleared up, but they have really never been mild since that happened.
I went to another doctor my mom found in Arkansas, we call him Doogie Howser because he looks so young. He was the first to stress how important it is that I have kids before I take any biological meds or injections. He was great, and I went to him several times. I went to another doctor who asked me "what I expected to get from the visit" if I wasn't interested in injections. I left her office in tears. Now, I have finally found a wonderful doctor. She started me on light therapy, which is like a tanning bed but only the good rays, and my condition has improved so much. We are doing my therapy as a "trial" to show the insurance company that I need a home sun lamp, so I have my fingers crossed that everything works out.
There have been times they have really bothered me. I have them on my elbows, forearms, knees, and the bottom of my legs, mainly the outside of my legs. I have dressed to cover them up; I have not gone to weddings before because I didn't want to wear a dress; I have cried about having them; I have worn jeans or long sleeves when it was hot as balls outside, which is all the time in Louisiana; and I have tried to be really funny when people ask me "oh my god what happened to your leg?" And trust me, there is always a jackass that is going to ask you what is wrong with you. One time, Rob and I came up with all of the things I could tell people; for example, "I was attacked by a wolverine" or "Someone threw acid on my legs." Someone always assumes that it is poison ivy too, so I have to explain that it is not poison ivy and not contagious. One time, one of the pedicure girls questioned me for 10 minutes before she would do a pedicure. I recently read where a woman was turned away from a spa because she has psoriasis; she is suing the shit out of the spa too by the way. There have been times that I have been just mad that I have to deal with them. I also get angry when someone complains about something that seems insignificant to me like a zit or something they don't like about themselves. All I can think is, okay assface, you think you have weird knees, well I have red spots all over my legs that sometimes burn and itch, so I win.
When my psoriasis flare up, I will go on these manic searches on the internet and through books to find home remedies or some miracle cure. I have tried almost everything, and I still don't know exactly what makes them better or worse. I do know that I have to relax. Stress is the worst possible thing, and since I started running in 2010, I can tell a huge difference. Luckily, I have a husband who could care less if I had one big red spot on my face for everyone to see (though he would probably make a joke that it is because I am from Arkansas). I have friends and family that have never made me feel self-conscious about the fact that I have psoriasis. I also think because I am older and sort of don't give a shit what people think about me anymore I don't worry about it as much. One thing that I do know is that when I read articles or search for "cures" online I always find pictures of people who have psoriasis much worse than I do. There are some people who have 90% of their body covered by plaques. This always makes me realize that my situation could be worse, and I would never want to make that person feel uncomfortable because the feeling that someone is making up assumptions about what is going on on your leg by staring at your leg really sucks.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Birds and Fish and Zombies?
This post was originally posted on 01/04/11 on my first blog, Soppin' Biscuits. Since I decided two blogs would be best, I wanted to move this to Awkward Amusement because it fits the "vibe" of this blog a little better! I will also be posting about our first camping trip soon...so since I packed and prepared for the apocalypse before camping, I thought this was a good read before I post the new one!
This is my first ever blog post. Being the new year and the start of my "blogging," I have pondered writing about resolutions, my background, how much diets suck, the general "goings on" of Rob and I; however, I want to write about the recent news of dead birds and fish. Yes...this is probably a disease or a natural freak show sponsored by our crazy weather. But...being a fan of horror films, I can think of about ten films that have this type of situation somewhere in the plot. I love these movies; they are the scariest type of horror film because you think "What would I do?" after you watch them. Most notable are movies involving a government mishaps (The Crazies), the end of the world, and my favorite...zombies.
Two summers ago, one of my students wrote her research paper on the idea that the world would end in 2012. My student used a source that listed the situations to prepare for and the site even sold "End of the World Party Kits." I listed several of my personal survival tips on my Facebook page that I will add to the end of this post for fun. Like every conspiracy theory and disaster or tragedy that happens in the world, I became occupied with how I would survive the situation. This is also something that Rob and I talk about after EVERY movie that we see
One particular survival discussion that Rob and I had stands out to me; this conversation occurred after we saw Zombieland (which is hilarious and one of my favorites). Rob made the comment that he didn't think that I would be able to hang if we had to flee our home due to zombies or, you know, the apocalypse. I was totally offended. I said "Lucy and I will be able to keep up just fine." I plan to put Lucy in a papoose and carry her in the event of a zombie attack, by the way. His reply, "I would let you come....when you start slowing me down, I will snap your neck and eat you." This is one of my favorite stories to tell people, and trust me, he was dead serious. And we vowed to shoot one another if either of us became a zombie...I would probably secretly keep Rob chained up in a shed with an XBox like Shaun does Ed in Shaun of the Dead; he will be a zombie and will never know if I do that! We agree that I would probably bring items that would not help our cause, like a "Zombie Mix" CD, and I would want to update my Facebook status regularly. I did just finish reading Under the Dome by Stephen King, so I am going to start stockpiling propane. Surely the knowledge we both have from years of horror films will keep us alive if the bird/fish situation manifests into something crazy. Another positive we have on our side now is Rob's new machete that he got during Dirty Santa at the Martin Family Christmas this year (photo to follow).
We all know that recently the guy who predicted the end of the world via the Mayan calendar changed his mind and moved the "end of the world" forward 50 years...lucky us. So, we can put that off for a little while. Hopefully, this crazy bird/fish situation will be explained and we all don't go "Walking Dead" from drinking the water. So, I guess that zombies go along with the little messes of life that you can sop up easier with a machete and your favorite zombie mix tape...here are my survival tips from Facebook...they were a hit; I guess I should keep adding to them! Enjoy!
Megan's 2012 Survival Tips:
1. Some predict that there will be a "rise of the machines" (think Terminator, decepticons, or a really evil Johnny 5). I suggest building special relationships with your appliances immediately, like a plant or pet. When you start to feel like your blender is turning on you, go Office Space on it.
2. In the event of tidal waves, have a flotation device ready. I suggest a brightly colored one with a cup holder. You will be rescued easier and can have a cocktail as you float. Or a raft shaped like Shamu or a gator; this will lighten the mood for your friends and repel any dangerous marine creatures.
3.
This is my first ever blog post. Being the new year and the start of my "blogging," I have pondered writing about resolutions, my background, how much diets suck, the general "goings on" of Rob and I; however, I want to write about the recent news of dead birds and fish. Yes...this is probably a disease or a natural freak show sponsored by our crazy weather. But...being a fan of horror films, I can think of about ten films that have this type of situation somewhere in the plot. I love these movies; they are the scariest type of horror film because you think "What would I do?" after you watch them. Most notable are movies involving a government mishaps (The Crazies), the end of the world, and my favorite...zombies.
Two summers ago, one of my students wrote her research paper on the idea that the world would end in 2012. My student used a source that listed the situations to prepare for and the site even sold "End of the World Party Kits." I listed several of my personal survival tips on my Facebook page that I will add to the end of this post for fun. Like every conspiracy theory and disaster or tragedy that happens in the world, I became occupied with how I would survive the situation. This is also something that Rob and I talk about after EVERY movie that we see
One particular survival discussion that Rob and I had stands out to me; this conversation occurred after we saw Zombieland (which is hilarious and one of my favorites). Rob made the comment that he didn't think that I would be able to hang if we had to flee our home due to zombies or, you know, the apocalypse. I was totally offended. I said "Lucy and I will be able to keep up just fine." I plan to put Lucy in a papoose and carry her in the event of a zombie attack, by the way. His reply, "I would let you come....when you start slowing me down, I will snap your neck and eat you." This is one of my favorite stories to tell people, and trust me, he was dead serious. And we vowed to shoot one another if either of us became a zombie...I would probably secretly keep Rob chained up in a shed with an XBox like Shaun does Ed in Shaun of the Dead; he will be a zombie and will never know if I do that! We agree that I would probably bring items that would not help our cause, like a "Zombie Mix" CD, and I would want to update my Facebook status regularly. I did just finish reading Under the Dome by Stephen King, so I am going to start stockpiling propane. Surely the knowledge we both have from years of horror films will keep us alive if the bird/fish situation manifests into something crazy. Another positive we have on our side now is Rob's new machete that he got during Dirty Santa at the Martin Family Christmas this year (photo to follow).
We all know that recently the guy who predicted the end of the world via the Mayan calendar changed his mind and moved the "end of the world" forward 50 years...lucky us. So, we can put that off for a little while. Hopefully, this crazy bird/fish situation will be explained and we all don't go "Walking Dead" from drinking the water. So, I guess that zombies go along with the little messes of life that you can sop up easier with a machete and your favorite zombie mix tape...here are my survival tips from Facebook...they were a hit; I guess I should keep adding to them! Enjoy!
Megan's 2012 Survival Tips:
1. Some predict that there will be a "rise of the machines" (think Terminator, decepticons, or a really evil Johnny 5). I suggest building special relationships with your appliances immediately, like a plant or pet. When you start to feel like your blender is turning on you, go Office Space on it.
2. In the event of tidal waves, have a flotation device ready. I suggest a brightly colored one with a cup holder. You will be rescued easier and can have a cocktail as you float. Or a raft shaped like Shamu or a gator; this will lighten the mood for your friends and repel any dangerous marine creatures.
3.
Friday, February 10, 2012
"Thank you for being a friend..."
I have never had what people refer to as a "mass cut" of my friends
from Facebook. Honestly, I have only deleted two people since I opened
my account (and with good reason). There are 631 people that I share my
life with everyday through Facebook. Through Facebook, I have found
people I never thought I would see or talk to again. I keep up with old
friends, make plans with family and friends I talk to and see
frequently, tag my husband in posts and check-ins to annoy the hell out
of him, find out about things I didn't know about from movies to music
to where to eat in another city or state, and I get to communicate with
people who have the same sense of humor as I do and appreciate the
stupid shit that I have to say. For all of these things that I love
about Facebook, recently, there have been things that make me roll my
eyes and want to be a total bitch. I don't like that. I try not to
surround myself with people in my life that are annoying, so why would I
want to know what they are doing all day long. Now, I am sure that
some of the things that I post are catty and offensive to some and
stupid and annoying, and I know that people have deleted me and that is
totally fine. I would never want someone to pretend like they enjoy me
if they don't...I can be very unpleasant at times. Also, I have friends
who have the total opposite view of politics or religion that I do, and
that is totally fine. I would never delete someone for what they
believe or what they think about a certain topic...that would be
ridiculous. In fact, some of the people who are the most different from
myself are the people I look forward to posting. I love seeing pictures
of people's dogs, kids, houses, vacations, mixed tapes they have found
in a closet, a lady wearing something horrible in Wal-Mart, a funny
license plate, a plate of food, etc. Some people are constantly put off
if they don't appreciate or agree with every single thing that you post,
but I say there is reason we are friends and more than likely it is
because we will both take a picture of a beautiful bacon cheeseburger or
I will appreciate that your child put a dinosaur in your nativity
scene.
More than once, myself and plenty of other people my age have said the words, "I am so glad that Facebook didn't exist when I was in high school/college." The reason we say this is because we know how dramatic and ridiculous everything we did was back in those days, and once more I have to say, thank goodness we didn't have to worry about all of the things that we posted or high school drama or after we left Rabb's (just an example). I am glad I didn't deal with things of that nature then and I am not going to deal with it now. I couldn't deal with it now because I just too busy, too old and honestly I am over people like that.
With all of that said, I am going to have my first friend cut. Honestly, I will probably have only 15 or 20 less friends than I do right now when this is over because not much bothers me. Most of my friends will never even read this, but I feel like it is my duty to offer a little advice to those who may see that their numbers are dwindling. If you are constantly dramatic and vague, petty, immature, socially challenged (this is a social network, let's act like humans people), annoying, self righteous, passive aggressive or, and I can admit this, I keep you around for entertainment purposes, then I would like to say to you "it's been real." I never thought I would delete "friends" from Facebook, but as I get older I realize that some people just really suck, so I have decided that I need to actually "like" the people who experience little pieces of my life everyday and not just accept them. So to those people who will no longer get to see pictures of my sweet dog, hear about my upcoming moving experience, which will be funny, or know my thoughts on the Grammy performances, peace out...I would tell you to stay the same and don't change, but that would be misleading.
More than once, myself and plenty of other people my age have said the words, "I am so glad that Facebook didn't exist when I was in high school/college." The reason we say this is because we know how dramatic and ridiculous everything we did was back in those days, and once more I have to say, thank goodness we didn't have to worry about all of the things that we posted or high school drama or after we left Rabb's (just an example). I am glad I didn't deal with things of that nature then and I am not going to deal with it now. I couldn't deal with it now because I just too busy, too old and honestly I am over people like that.
With all of that said, I am going to have my first friend cut. Honestly, I will probably have only 15 or 20 less friends than I do right now when this is over because not much bothers me. Most of my friends will never even read this, but I feel like it is my duty to offer a little advice to those who may see that their numbers are dwindling. If you are constantly dramatic and vague, petty, immature, socially challenged (this is a social network, let's act like humans people), annoying, self righteous, passive aggressive or, and I can admit this, I keep you around for entertainment purposes, then I would like to say to you "it's been real." I never thought I would delete "friends" from Facebook, but as I get older I realize that some people just really suck, so I have decided that I need to actually "like" the people who experience little pieces of my life everyday and not just accept them. So to those people who will no longer get to see pictures of my sweet dog, hear about my upcoming moving experience, which will be funny, or know my thoughts on the Grammy performances, peace out...I would tell you to stay the same and don't change, but that would be misleading.
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