5 Things I Learned from 50 Shades of Grey...no not like that, perv

Like every other trend or fad that comes along, I jumped right in to the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy red room of pain. I read all three of the books, and there is no doubt I will be there opening weekend with all the other clams in America to see the film.  Since I have read several people offering up their reviews and opinions, I thought I would share the golden nuggets of knowledge that I learned from these books.
5. People are such assholes.
Okay.  These books are really poorly written; they really are terrible.  The origin of this trilogy is Twilight fan fiction, so obviously, if you are expecting a Dickens' novel then you are going to be disappointed.  But, props to this woman for getting her stuff out there and published.  I was very entertained, and I know that lots of women have started to let their freak flags fly because of these books...good for them!  The people who are "outraged" by the popularity of these books probably would do good with a little BSMD in their life.  First of all, this is a genre of literature, people.  This lady is not the first person to ever write about people having sex...granted they can't get through a conversation without having sex. All of those books at Brookshire's with Fabio on the front...same thing, geniuses.  It just cracks me up that it is a "sin" to read these books and some bookstores and libraries have decided to ban them. Have any of these people really looked at what they are watching on TV...even kids' shows are weird these days.  Doesn't Spongebob just walk around in his underwear sometimes?  Exhibitionist.
4.  I would be awesome at being rich.
This Mr. Grey is terribly wealthy.  I would love to have a helicopter.  I would probably use it to fly into Shreveport from Bossier to lunch with Pam and Sarah all the time:  "Yea, I'll be there in a sec...gotta fire up the bird. I am sure traffic on Youree Drive is a butthole today." Then, since Mr. Grey would have to work all the time making the money, I would fly my friends to exotic places and spend all of his cash flow on really senseless things like Navin Johnson in The Jerk.  Who wouldn't want a bathtub shaped like a clam and a disco room full of dancers at all hours of the day? I also wouldn't mind a butler that would go purchase clothes for me; whatshisname in the book even goes and buys her undergarments which is the worst thing to shop for.  I would maybe want Tim Curry from Clue to be my butler...Wadsworth.  *Note...DO NOT Google clam+bathtub+the jerk...don't do it.
3.  I would be a really bad "sub"
There is really not a lot to say here.  I understand that everyone enjoys different things, but I generally stay away from violence and pain.  I don't have a high tolerance for pain, and I don't like people to be bossy or forceful to me...it makes me hate them, actually.  I have a taser, and I have waved that thing at a man driving a landscaping van that harassed me while I was running.  It would take one little pop on any part of my body and I would beat the crap out of someone and possibly taze their groin.  Rob, my husband,  calls it the "Arkansass" in my blood. 
2.  I give props to the folks that are regular readers of erotica.
Reading (as my mom called them because I read 2 and 3 at the beach with her) "horny toad" books around anyone is the most awkward thing ever.   These books are like a musical except the songs are sex scenes...very little plot and conversation between the characters.  Honestly, it got really exhausting...at least Stephen King has people dying in different ways in his books...not the same old thing over and and over again. 
1. These types of people will not survive the apocalypse, and my husband could kick Grey's ass.
Mr. Grey doesn't know how to cook or cut up vegetables.  What in the world?  When things go south, what are these two idiots going to do?  Since he has a maid, I am sure he isn't storing dryer lint to start fires.  You can't take your "room of pain" on the run if you have to abandon your home...that is not happening.  You can't just stop in the middle of the apocalypse when the mood strikes you either.  All of that romance will come in handy after the zombies are gone...to repopulate the earth, of course.  Also, he knows Judo or something...ha.  I remember one of my friends told me a story once about a bar fight.  These two guys got into it, and they took their scuffle outside.  One of the guys starts getting in the crane position, and by the time he is positioned in the "crane" and ready to fight, the other dude had punched him out. You can't use hand to hand combat with zombies, Mr. Grey....you have to know how to use a machete or a sword or a gun with a silencer.  Thank goodness my husband will be able to kill our food, take out zombies in a logical way, and drives an F-150...not a sports car.